How to Write a GOMI-Worthy Sewing Blog

Here at GOMI, we have exacting standards for snarking on the Sewing Blog Community. One of the frequent questions we get is, “GOMI hamcats, how can I write my blog to ensure that it will be noticed by you all and snarked appropriately in its own thread?”

SBC, today is your lucky day! I’ve compiled a list of 10 sure-fire things that will get you noticed and piled on. Read on for your step-by-step guide to GOMI success.

1 – Post Hundreds of Pictures of Yourself in Your Creations

Basic poses to use: Straight on smiling. Back to the camera showing off your ass and cute figure. Standing pigeon-toed with hips thrust to one side, eyes looking up and to the side as if a pretty bird just flew right over head. Standing pigeon-toed, looking down at the back of your shoe as if you just stepped in dog shit. Walking across the roof of a garage overlooking the highway. Take closeups of your collar that show how deep your dimples are or how shiny your nose ring is.

There are many more poses that are GOMI-worthy. Use your imagination. If it looks like a photography student’s portfolio rejects, it’s perfect for your blog!

 2 – Sprinkle Posts With the F-bomb for No Good Reason

Because, like, it’s fucking cool, y’all. It doesn’t make you look or sound fucking ignorant. It’s fucking funny! Fuck.

 3 – Make Everything an Advertisement

If you really want to get noticed, put ads everywhere! They don’t even need to be related to sewing. One column for indie pattern companies – there are new ones started every week. One for online quilting cotton stores. One for all the new yet-another-beginner sewing books that are coming out. What’s that? You say that only leaves a 2-inch wide space for your blog posts? Who cares! Monetization is so much more important than content!

 4 – Tell Everyone How Cool You Are. Constantly

Keep repeating, “I am cool. Everything I do is cool. Everything I sew is cool. Everything I read is cool. Everything I eat is cool. Everything I shit is cool.”  After a few rounds of this mantra, you will achieve a zen-like state of coolness that people will want to emulate. Remind people in your posts and blog header that you are cool. This will inspire them to become fangirls. And any good GOMI blog should…

 5 – Collect Fangirls

Lots of them. The rabid-er, the better. If they are borderline psychotic, that’s the best. Fangirls will defend you to the death. They will follow you like cotton-clad, Myrtle-wearing lemmings off any cliff, and they will volunteer to jump ahead of you so you can have a soft landing. The other great thing about fangirls is that when people say mean things about you, you can pretend to be a victim and stay above the fray while unleashing your fangirls like a pack of flying monkeys to beat back the “internet trolls” and “jealuz haterz”. And the best way to collect fangirls is to…

 6 – Give Shit Away

Fangirls LOVE free shit. Of course, you don’t want to pay for anything, so you need free shit to give away. And the best way to do that is to…

 7 – Get Companies to Sponsor Posts

Dear Sewing Machine Company, Please send me your top of the line machine that costs as much as an entry level Kia. I will hold a giveaway where I will get a bajillion fangirls to fawn all over me for three weeks. I will give your company loads of exposure, which will lead to lots of sales of your machines. Oh, and please send a second one for my personal use, because, duh, exposure and monetization.

You can milk this with sewing machine companies, pattern companies, tourist destinations, fabric stores, makeup companies, gym memberships, and so much more. After all, more giveaways means more eyeballs on your site means more fangirls means more clicks to your advertisers means more money!

8 – Write a Book or Start a Pattern Line

You’ve been sewing and blogging for 6 months? Congratulations! You’re now officially an expert. It’s time to share your wealth of knowledge with the world. Write a book or design patterns. Even better, write a book that comes with the patterns that you design. Make your book stand out on the shelves with pastel colors, cute fonts, and twee outfits. So what if the information is useless and the garments look like shit on you and your models? The fangirls will eat it up. And if you really want to guarantee fangirl adoration, get a few of them to be models. They’ll buy the book, and they’ll get their friends, siblings, and grandmas to buy a copy, too, putting you at the top of Amazon’s bestseller list.

9 – Start a Blog Tour

Get all your fangirls to join in. Get them to review your book or pattern. Have them tag you and all the other fangirls in the blog tour so everyone gets hits. Make sure you have all the coolest bloggers in your fangirl stable. You must have all the same bloggers gushing over your stuff as you gush over other cool bloggers’ stuff. Be sure to get one from Manhattan, one from Brooklyn, one from San Francisco, one from London, and one from Hong Kong. Then to keep it real, you can add a few others from places you would only ever see from 33,000 feet above as you fly to cool places.

10 – Get Other People to Write Posts and Generally Do Your Work For You

This is the ultimate. If you can get people to write posts for you, you are a GOMI God or Goddess. Bonus points if between your full-time blogging gig and tropical sew-cations, you just don’t have enough time to write your own posts. Even better if you make money off your blog, but you can’t pay your writers or pattern testers real money because, well, you have expenses! Fangirls (the rabid-er ones especially) will flock to your side and volunteer to write for you because, you know, this kind of soliciting for contributors is normal in the sewing blogger world. Just make sure that you own the copyright on anything they contribute. Cuz, like, duh, monetization!


23 thoughts on “How to Write a GOMI-Worthy Sewing Blog

  1. Also….
    Make those pictures large! People love big pictures and scrolling is good exercise. If readers using laptops can see your head and feet at the same time the pictures are too small.
    Never disclose affiliate links or that you got that pattern or fabric for free. Don’t break up the flow of your beautiful prose with small ethical or legal details.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Actually I am gay. But I had to buy my own toaster. It was a reference to an old joke, but if it comes across offensively please remove the comment.


  3. You GOMI people really are something else. You think you’re so funny when you’re really just jealous of my favorite bloggers.

    Psych. It’s me, INBT!

    You forgot to make a Picmonkey “pin” for this post that says “How to Have a Snarkworthy Sewing Blog” in a sans-serif font juxtaposed over a blurry black and white photo of various sewing notions.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. that was fucking hilarious and now there are tiny droplets of spit on my keyboard.
    That’s OK, I will go get a disinfecting wipe now.
    Thank you.


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  6. In my opinion, a key element of being cool is to employ the official SBC language because clearly the existing English language is inadequate. Ex: Her tute was like totes adorb.


  7. I feel honored to have been discussed on your mighty forum without conforming to any of the prerequisites above! Wish I was getting free shit, giving free shit away or making shit patterns to sell or posting hundred of photos of myself posing pigeon-toed in a baby doll dress describing how I made the size 0 and it was miles too big for my tiny frame…alas…it is not to be. Keep snarking, Ladies! There is certainly a need for great criticism in a nauseating world of “Great dress, love the color” comments!

    Liked by 1 person

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