Congratulations to all you SBC bloggers who have attracted GOMI Craft’s notice. You are obviously Speshul Snowflakes. You followed our advice on writing a GOMI-Worthy Blog, and it worked! Perhaps you’re mentioned in a thread about someone else, or you may have several posts devoted to you in the Hate Reads thread. The question now is, how can you expand your notoriety? You need a bigger stage. No – you deserve a bigger stage! It’s kind of like making it through the Big Dance in college hoops: you feel like you are ready for the big time, but how can you break through on the national level?
You are so lucky to have us. Here at SSSF, our goal is to help you not only get mentioned multiple times on GOMI, but to achieve the ultimate SBC championship level recognition: your very own thread! Here are some tips for making sure you sit right at the front page of the GOMI Craft forum where you can have your very own GOMI 100-car pileup.
1 – Flounce On/Flounce Off.
Did some big old blue meanie on GOMI say bad things about you? Did they point out that you aren’t as wonderful, indispensible or infallible as your fawning fangirls have been telling you? Well then, it’s time to channel your inner Miss Piggy, pirouette on your vintage platforms, smooth your Coco, toss your hair over your shoulder and walk away from blogging altogether. Don’t forget to announce it publicly on your blog! After all, it’s not a flounce unless you tell the world about it, and that you have been driven off by those cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitches at GOMI. This will endear you to your fangirls, who will beg you to stay.
After an appropriate length of time (2 days is usually about right) and an appropriate amount of wailing, rending of garments and gnashing of teeth by your fangirls, get back on that (high) horse and tell them that they have been heard, you have relented, and you magnanimously forgive those cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitches at GOMI. That will earn you a halo in the SBC.
The point is, you don’t really want to flounce into the sunset forever. If you do that, posts about you will get buried in the bowels of GOMI, your name will be forgotten and your fangirls will flock to the next blogger in line. SBC bloggers are like Hollywood starlets. For every one that makes it big, there are a hundred right behind her with daggers pointed at her back.
2 – Post? What Post?
If someone on GOMI points out something stupid that you wrote, you can just delete the post. If you delete it, it never happened, right? Take it down. After all, it’s your blog. Taking it down wipes it off the internet. What? It’s archived? Some cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitch at GOMI got it from the Wayback Machine? Well in that case…
3 – Revise History
Put that post right back up, but rewrite it so you look better. That will take care of getting rid of that archived version. Oh wait – the original version is still out there for anyone to see? Well then…
4 – Set Out the Bait
Put your post back up, but add comments at the end to show GOMI that you are so much cleverer than they are. Use sarcastic tone, condescending language, lots of extra vowels and asterisks. Here’s a good example: ****Big big update for those of you visiting from another site. You were soooooooo right! Now it’s so crystal clear to me that you’re not cyberbullies, and you’re not ageists, and you’re not homophobes. So the only question that remains is…what exactly are you? ****
Oh, that last question is the perfect riposte to GOMI bitches. It will have GOMI readers flocking to your blog to read your other witty repartee. If course, that repartee will only be with your fangirls, who will tell you how clever you are. So you win!
And don’t worry about copying and pasting the example above verbatim into your blog! As we all know, there’s no such thing as copyright or plagiarism in the SBC.
5 – My Big Brother is Going to Beat You Up
When in doubt, bring in the big guns. Threaten to have your sister who is a real-estate law paralegal write a firmly worded cease-and-desist. Yes, that will show GOMI, and it will ensure that you land once again at the top of the first page in GOMI Craft.
6 – Bring on the Cray Cray
If you really want to ensure that you land atop the GOMI pile, go batshit crazy. It’s even better if you go creepy-batshit-crazy. You know – say things like, all is forgiven, that you really like GOMI, and that you will haunt GOMI like a spinster’s ghost in a gothic novel. This will ensure that you get lots of responses from GOMI bitches, and lots of emojis. Make it a contest to see how many dancing bananas you can get!
Any of these things, especially any combination of these things, will earn you a spot in the GOMI Craft hall of fame. It’s easy; it’s fun and it will give you a big leg up on all those other SBC wanna-bes. So get out there and make yourself one of the GOMI champs!