We’d Like To Thank The Academy

(Announcer’s voice) And the winner of Madalynne’s Oscar for (third) Best New Blog is…

Sew Sorry, Sew Fat!

(wild applause from the audience, camera pans to other bloggers pursing their lips and politely clapping)

Oh! Oh dear! I wasn’t really expecting this, and I don’t have a speech prepared… oh my! Um, let me think here…

First off, on behalf of all of us here at SSSF, I’d like to thank the Academy of Blogging Voters. We are so, SO honored just to be included in the nominations, but to win, especially in a runoff election… wow! That means you liked us (third) best not just once, but twice!!!

You Like Us! You Really Like Us!!

You know, we started SSSF with the sole purpose of creating an enlightened, unique experience among sewing blogs, wherein we shine a light on the pastel, cotton-clad underbelly of the we’re-sew-nice blogosphere, and do so with love. So to be honored tonight, in this way, by all of you – well, it’s just overwhelming.

We need to thank the people who made this possible: The monetized sewing blogs, the bloggers who don’t know jack but manage to get themselves book deals and TV gigs, the pattern “designers” who can’t design their way out of a paper bag, the bloggers who manage to get everyone else to write their posts for them, the authors who don’t know shit about fitting or pressing, and the trolls, especially the trolls, who make sure they skewer us with their bowling ball sharp wit.

We never, ever could have achieved this goal without your support… Oh dear, I’m crying and I’m going to run my mascara (fans self with hands)

Yes, we could not do what we do without you. So please know that we are beyond thrilled to be given such accolades, from those whose opinions we value SO highly.

Thank you to the Academy, and good night!

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Enhancing the GOMIness of Your Blog

Congratulations to all you SBC bloggers who have attracted GOMI Craft’s notice. You are obviously Speshul Snowflakes. You followed our advice on writing a GOMI-Worthy Blog, and it worked! Perhaps you’re mentioned in a thread about someone else, or you may have several posts devoted to you in the Hate Reads thread. The question now is, how can you expand your notoriety? You need a bigger stage. No – you deserve a bigger stage! It’s kind of like making it through the Big Dance in college hoops: you feel like you are ready for the big time, but how can you break through on the national level?

You are so lucky to have us. Here at SSSF, our goal is to help you not only get mentioned multiple times on GOMI, but to achieve the ultimate SBC championship level recognition: your very own thread! Here are some tips for making sure you sit right at the front page of the GOMI Craft forum where you can have your very own GOMI 100-car pileup.

1 – Flounce On/Flounce Off.
Did some big old blue meanie on GOMI say bad things about you? Did they point out that you aren’t as wonderful, indispensible or infallible as your fawning fangirls have been telling you? Well then, it’s time to channel your inner Miss Piggy, pirouette on your vintage platforms, smooth your Coco, toss your hair over your shoulder and walk away from blogging altogether. Don’t forget to announce it publicly on your blog! After all, it’s not a flounce unless you tell the world about it, and that you have been driven off by those cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitches at GOMI. This will endear you to your fangirls, who will beg you to stay.

After an appropriate length of time (2 days is usually about right) and an appropriate amount of wailing, rending of garments and gnashing of teeth by your fangirls, get back on that (high) horse and tell them that they have been heard, you have relented, and you magnanimously forgive those cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitches at GOMI. That will earn you a halo in the SBC.

The point is, you don’t really want to flounce into the sunset forever. If you do that, posts about you will get buried in the bowels of GOMI, your name will be forgotten and your fangirls will flock to the next blogger in line. SBC bloggers are like Hollywood starlets. For every one that makes it big, there are a hundred right behind her with daggers pointed at her back.

2 – Post? What Post?
If someone on GOMI points out something stupid that you wrote, you can just delete the post. If you delete it, it never happened, right? Take it down. After all, it’s your blog. Taking it down wipes it off the internet. What? It’s archived? Some cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitch at GOMI got it from the Wayback Machine? Well in that case…

3 – Revise History
Put that post right back up, but rewrite it so you look better. That will take care of getting rid of that archived version. Oh wait – the original version is still out there for anyone to see? Well then…

4 – Set Out the Bait
Put your post back up, but add comments at the end to show GOMI that you are so much cleverer than they are. Use sarcastic tone, condescending language, lots of extra vowels and asterisks. Here’s a good example: ****Big big update for those of you visiting from another site. You were soooooooo right! Now it’s so crystal clear to me that you’re not cyberbullies, and you’re not ageists, and you’re not homophobes. So the only question that remains is…what exactly are you? ****

Oh, that last question is the perfect riposte to GOMI bitches. It will have GOMI readers flocking to your blog to read your other witty repartee. If course, that repartee will only be with your fangirls, who will tell you how clever you are. So you win!

And don’t worry about copying and pasting the example above verbatim into your blog! As we all know, there’s no such thing as copyright or plagiarism in the SBC.

5 – My Big Brother is Going to Beat You Up
When in doubt, bring in the big guns. Threaten to have your sister who is a real-estate law paralegal write a firmly worded cease-and-desist. Yes, that will show GOMI, and it will ensure that you land once again at the top of the first page in GOMI Craft.

6 – Bring on the Cray Cray
If you really want to ensure that you land atop the GOMI pile, go batshit crazy. It’s even better if you go creepy-batshit-crazy. You know – say things like, all is forgiven, that you really like GOMI, and that you will haunt GOMI like a spinster’s ghost in a gothic novel. This will ensure that you get lots of responses from GOMI bitches, and lots of emojis. Make it a contest to see how many dancing bananas you can get!

Any of these things, especially any combination of these things, will earn you a spot in the GOMI Craft hall of fame. It’s easy; it’s fun and it will give you a big leg up on all those other SBC wanna-bes. So get out there and make yourself one of the GOMI champs!

Do You Want to Test a Pattern?

Sung to the tune of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” from Frozen

Do you want to test a pattern?
Come on, let’s all go sew.
We can do it in a blog tour way
New posts every day
From sewing friends we know!
We’re speshul sewing snowflakes,
We’re not a clique
We’re just having a good time…
Do you want to test a pattern?
Yes you want to test a pattern
Here, test mine.

Do you want to test a pattern?
Yes of course I know you do.
Make it up with cotton florals and
Rick rack on every band.
That’s so great on you!
We’ll talk all about its cuteness,
Not how it fits,
We’re one great big family…
Do you want to test a pattern?
Then you can review this pattern
But nicely.

Do you want to test a pattern?
It’s not a circle jerk.
We’ll get a bunch of blogger fans
Hop on the wagon and
They’ll do all the work!
We do not have to pay them
They’ll do it free
For one lousy PDF.
Do you want to test a pattern?
Yes you want to test a pattern
You dumb f….

How to Write a GOMI-Worthy Sewing Blog

Here at GOMI, we have exacting standards for snarking on the Sewing Blog Community. One of the frequent questions we get is, “GOMI hamcats, how can I write my blog to ensure that it will be noticed by you all and snarked appropriately in its own thread?”

SBC, today is your lucky day! I’ve compiled a list of 10 sure-fire things that will get you noticed and piled on. Read on for your step-by-step guide to GOMI success.

1 – Post Hundreds of Pictures of Yourself in Your Creations

Basic poses to use: Straight on smiling. Back to the camera showing off your ass and cute figure. Standing pigeon-toed with hips thrust to one side, eyes looking up and to the side as if a pretty bird just flew right over head. Standing pigeon-toed, looking down at the back of your shoe as if you just stepped in dog shit. Walking across the roof of a garage overlooking the highway. Take closeups of your collar that show how deep your dimples are or how shiny your nose ring is.

There are many more poses that are GOMI-worthy. Use your imagination. If it looks like a photography student’s portfolio rejects, it’s perfect for your blog!

 2 – Sprinkle Posts With the F-bomb for No Good Reason

Because, like, it’s fucking cool, y’all. It doesn’t make you look or sound fucking ignorant. It’s fucking funny! Fuck.

 3 – Make Everything an Advertisement

If you really want to get noticed, put ads everywhere! They don’t even need to be related to sewing. One column for indie pattern companies – there are new ones started every week. One for online quilting cotton stores. One for all the new yet-another-beginner sewing books that are coming out. What’s that? You say that only leaves a 2-inch wide space for your blog posts? Who cares! Monetization is so much more important than content!

 4 – Tell Everyone How Cool You Are. Constantly

Keep repeating, “I am cool. Everything I do is cool. Everything I sew is cool. Everything I read is cool. Everything I eat is cool. Everything I shit is cool.”  After a few rounds of this mantra, you will achieve a zen-like state of coolness that people will want to emulate. Remind people in your posts and blog header that you are cool. This will inspire them to become fangirls. And any good GOMI blog should…

 5 – Collect Fangirls

Lots of them. The rabid-er, the better. If they are borderline psychotic, that’s the best. Fangirls will defend you to the death. They will follow you like cotton-clad, Myrtle-wearing lemmings off any cliff, and they will volunteer to jump ahead of you so you can have a soft landing. The other great thing about fangirls is that when people say mean things about you, you can pretend to be a victim and stay above the fray while unleashing your fangirls like a pack of flying monkeys to beat back the “internet trolls” and “jealuz haterz”. And the best way to collect fangirls is to…

 6 – Give Shit Away

Fangirls LOVE free shit. Of course, you don’t want to pay for anything, so you need free shit to give away. And the best way to do that is to…

 7 – Get Companies to Sponsor Posts

Dear Sewing Machine Company, Please send me your top of the line machine that costs as much as an entry level Kia. I will hold a giveaway where I will get a bajillion fangirls to fawn all over me for three weeks. I will give your company loads of exposure, which will lead to lots of sales of your machines. Oh, and please send a second one for my personal use, because, duh, exposure and monetization.

You can milk this with sewing machine companies, pattern companies, tourist destinations, fabric stores, makeup companies, gym memberships, and so much more. After all, more giveaways means more eyeballs on your site means more fangirls means more clicks to your advertisers means more money!

8 – Write a Book or Start a Pattern Line

You’ve been sewing and blogging for 6 months? Congratulations! You’re now officially an expert. It’s time to share your wealth of knowledge with the world. Write a book or design patterns. Even better, write a book that comes with the patterns that you design. Make your book stand out on the shelves with pastel colors, cute fonts, and twee outfits. So what if the information is useless and the garments look like shit on you and your models? The fangirls will eat it up. And if you really want to guarantee fangirl adoration, get a few of them to be models. They’ll buy the book, and they’ll get their friends, siblings, and grandmas to buy a copy, too, putting you at the top of Amazon’s bestseller list.

9 – Start a Blog Tour

Get all your fangirls to join in. Get them to review your book or pattern. Have them tag you and all the other fangirls in the blog tour so everyone gets hits. Make sure you have all the coolest bloggers in your fangirl stable. You must have all the same bloggers gushing over your stuff as you gush over other cool bloggers’ stuff. Be sure to get one from Manhattan, one from Brooklyn, one from San Francisco, one from London, and one from Hong Kong. Then to keep it real, you can add a few others from places you would only ever see from 33,000 feet above as you fly to cool places.

10 – Get Other People to Write Posts and Generally Do Your Work For You

This is the ultimate. If you can get people to write posts for you, you are a GOMI God or Goddess. Bonus points if between your full-time blogging gig and tropical sew-cations, you just don’t have enough time to write your own posts. Even better if you make money off your blog, but you can’t pay your writers or pattern testers real money because, well, you have expenses! Fangirls (the rabid-er ones especially) will flock to your side and volunteer to write for you because, you know, this kind of soliciting for contributors is normal in the sewing blogger world. Just make sure that you own the copyright on anything they contribute. Cuz, like, duh, monetization!