So You Think You Can Host a Sewalong?

So you followed our instructions on How to Write a GOMI-Worthy Sewing Blog. You released your own pattern (the next logical step after starting a blog, duh) and are inundated with n00bz asking you how to take their sewing machine out of the box and start sewing your top/dress/jacket/jeans/socks/etc. Now what? Host a sewalong, obvs! Here’s a list of all the most important steps of hosting a sewalong:

1. Think your pattern is too simple and shouldn’t require a sewalong? Guess again! Your readers are too stupid to make a kimono sleeve top without your help. Pat yourself on the back for embarking on this omgsobrave endeavor.
2. Don’t worry that you barely have a grasp on how to sew anything more complicated than a buttonhole. Fake it ‘til you make it, amirite? Seriously though, after you do something once, you become an expert and are obligated to share it with the world (even if 15,000 other blog posts cover the exact same information).
3. Spend at least 5 weeks posting inspo pics, discussing fabrics, notions…etc. If you don’t talk to your readers about what kind of scissors to buy, who will?! The more time you spend pinning, the better your finished product will be (#logic). It’s Murphy’s First Law of Sewing.
4. Spend at least as much time on every possible alteration known to mankind that may or may not be needed. God forbid you actually show any of these on the actual pattern you will be using; just link to possibly questionable blog tutorials from your besties.
5. A post about cutting out your fabric is totally necessary. No one would ever figure out how to wield a pair of Ginghers to produce a yoke-shaped piece of fabric from a three-yard cut without this instruction. You do God’s work, truly. Also, don’t bother meticulously cutting out your pieces. Your readers are probably too stupid to notice that your corners are wonky.
6. Really, who has time to press their fabric before cutting it out either? Those wrinkles probably won’t throw off the grainline or anything. Pressing is for pussies!
7. Talk a lot about how you should make a muslin, but never evereverever post any pictures or information learned from the experience. Assume that the people following you are competent enough to make a muslin before the sewalong begins (even though they need to sewalong because the garment is hard? So sorry, so unclear), yet still have time to enter the finished garment in the sewalong’s Flickr contest. You did set one of those up right? Shilling for your sponsors is priority number one! Only leave the contest open for one week though, you don’t want to let anyone in who wasn’t participating in real time.
8. Copy and paste the instructions released with your pattern and add more words to make it look like you did some work. Take a picture for each and every step and post it, even though the angle is weird and it’s kind of impossible to tell what you’re trying to illustrate. Bonus points for varying whether you put the pictures before or after the explanation. Variety is the spice of life, after all!
9. At this point, you’re probably exhausted from all this work. Blogging is SO hard, you guys. Mostly all that’s left is top stitching and pressing, and who will even notice those details? Phone it in, and half-ass these details so you can hurry up and get your photo shoot on!
10. Do a roundup post of all your loyal followers’ garments, but be sure to only choose pictures where they look a little derpy. You’re the star of this show, and you wouldn’t want anyone to look better than you!

Now get out there and fight the good fight!

Happy New Year, hams! May 2015 be filled with cheetos and franzia and your warm, dark basements be overflowing with cats.

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