Me-Made-May 2015: The Drinking Game

April showers bring May flowers and the month-long droolfest that is Me-Made-May. To help you pass the time, we here at SSSF with support from our fellow GOMI Craft hamcats bring you the Me-Made-May Drinking Game.

A drinking game you say? We know exactly how you’re feeling right now: 

 

But please simmer down now. As your Master of Ceremonies, I’d like to get through the laundry list of rules we’ve made.

JK, there are no rules! (Fooled you.)

You have until Thursday, April 30 to stock your liquor cabinet (and/or sewing cabinet) with your choice of drinks. Fancy glassware is not needed. Extra points if you’re serving drinks in your favorite coffee wine mug.

Below is our downloadable drinking guide containing the rules of the game. It is your bible; treat it as such. Keep it on your phone, your computer, and/or print it out if you’re fancy and can afford paper and ink.

In honor of me, please switch your drink of choice to margaritas on Tuesday, May 5th for the Drinko de Mayo festivities. Because it’s an honor, this is mandatory. 

kthxbai

Disclaimer: Please drink responsibly. I (and the editors of SSSF) will not be held liable for anything that happens to you while playing the game. Remember to hydrate and eat something substantial…like cheetos…or ham…or potato chips…or all of the above. 

Insert Witty Title Here: Vogue Summer 2015 Release

Co-authored with Andrea and LadyxBec

Ahh, summer: hot days, cool fabrics, bright colors.

Well, Vogue got…some of that right with the Summer 2015 pattern release.

Overall, we here at SSSF have the following to say about this collection:

1. We are confused. (This seems to be a natural state of affairs with Vogue releases, though.)
2. We enjoy the ethnic diversity of the models featured.
3. A greater variety of Designer patterns.
4. This collection shows great promise for the scrapbusting enthusiast.
5. What is with styling these outfits with Converse wedge heels?!

Let’s start with the accessories: is this a purse, or a bellows?

V9120

For the “Mommy and Me” sewists, we have V9114, the skirt that defies gravity, and the child-sized, full dress version by Mizono, V1455.

V9114

V1455

Maybe once you get past the poor fabric choice (which could be never) of V1452, it’s not such a bad pattern?

V1452 – Believe it or not, this is actually separates.

V1452 – Without the awful fabric distraction

For the ardent scrapbusters, consider these patterns at your own peril:

V9108 by Marcy Tilton – 3 different fabrics to scrapbust with!

V9107 also has the added benefit of doubling as maternity wear, should you desire:

V9107 – More scrapbusting!

V9110, another scrapbusting entry:

V9110

V1444 is quite the bang-for-buck pattern! Sew it up if you want to:

1 – Look like you’re wearing separates when you’re not

2 – Scrapbust Color-block

3 – Look like you have a flat chest

V1444

The V1450 skirt: scrapbusting meets peplum.

V1450

And the final entry in the Vogue Scrapbusting Summer 2015 Collection:

V1451 – The line drawings show the back bodice as the same fabric as the straps…which they clearly aren’t in the sample.

“five easy pieces”? More like “Vogue for N00bz.” Perfect for lovers of elastic-waist pants and skirts!

V9117, part of the “five easy pieces” sub-line

Aaaaand another romper, V9116, but ladies of the Gifted Sisters Tribe, consider the amount of support you need against the (nonexistent) support provided by a halter neck or an elastic tube top. Maybe that’s why the model is crossing her arms?

V9116

This is a “jacket”? This “jacket” is perfect for beginners, as it is composed of three rectangles sewn together, with a tie in front.

This looks like the robe from the V8888 lingerie set. Vogue, I’ve got a gif for you:

V9115 “Jacket”

It’s cheating when the model’s hand provides all the shaping in a designer shapeless yellow sack dress. Not to be confused with a banana–though to be fair a banana at this stage of ripeness would already have some spots on it.

V1445

If you don’t want to channel Marilyn Monroe, make good use of the lengthen/shorten lines on V1449 by Rebecca Taylor, and if you’re into the interesting bust dart positioning trend, it might be up your alley, too:

V1449

V1449 – line drawings

The obligatory Lagenlook entry, V9112 by Marcy Tilton. You can’t see them with this fabric, but there are multiple panels and mini-ruffles sewn into the hem. Why? … Because. #artteacherchic #idon’tevenknowwhattocallthis

V9112

For the vintage enthusiasts we have V9105 for when you want to look classy, but still have easy access for those wandering hands.

V9105

There’s more easy access buttons in V9106, plus what can only be described as an explosion of gathering, which Vogue has cleverly disguised with an actually very pretty floral fabric:

V9106

Nice try, but we can see the ruffles of doom:

V9106

Presenting the SSSF Tailored Shirt Fail Bingo

Welcome to Fail Bingo with SSSF!

(Because we don’t host project sewalongs at SSSF; we host sewing project fail-a-longs.)

In honor of the Sewaholic Granville and Oakridge releases currently taking the SBC by storm, our inaugural Fail Bingo will be the Tailored Shirt Fail-A-Long. Not interested in buying the Sewaholic patterns and/or need to exercise restraint? We’ve got you covered with Big 4 and Burda pattern alternatives.

From now until April 30, join your fellow hamcats in the joyful process of saving money by sewing yourself a tailored shirt. With every stumbling block encountered and swear uttered, mark off a square on your very own Tailored Shirt Fail Bingo card!* The first person to get Bingo, let us know about it, and provide photographic evidence of your 5-in-a-row gets…bragging rights that they are the Failingest Failure to Ever Fail.

1. Rip out same seam > 3x
2. Need to recut a piece
3. Cutting out 2 rights or 2 lefts, like sleeves
4. Forgetting to cut a piece entirely
5. Sew a piece on backwards
6. Cut a piece off-grain
7. Buttonhole too small for button
8. 3+ muslins and still not right
9. Unpressed seams
10. Serged/cut an unintentional hole in the fabric
11. Broke a needle
12. Ran out of thread
13. Uneven topstitching
14. Battle wounds (iron burns, needle pokes, cuts on hands)
15. Not enough fabric
16. Finished the shirt and it’s a wadder
17. Didn’t finish the shirt
18. Cut the wrong size
19. SSSF for tower plackets, short sleeves instead
20. Pattern match/print placement fail
21. Forgot to staystitch, stretched out neckline
22. Interfacing fail
23. General button fail (ran out of buttons, mismatched buttons, clashing buttons)
24. Poor fabric choice (outside your skillset, i.e., silk chiffon)
25. Free space! Drinking Franzia/Eating Cheetos

Share your fails on the social media platform of your choice with the hashtag #failbingoSSSF. If you don’t want to out yourself, email us the pic at gomisewingblog@gmail.com, and we’ll post the picture as sent, no edits, on the SSSF Instagram (@sssfblog).

For those of you interested in constructive toile/muslin critiques, we’ve got you covered via the Flickr group for SSSF Fitting. Regular rules apply, except there will be no individual, introductory blog posts (but telling your critics what you want out of the shirt and areas of help would be greatly appreciated).

~~~~~

* Making Your Own Bingo Card

We did all the hard work so you wouldn’t have to. Copy this entire link (ends at “#results”) to generate your bingo card, then print out your card (a different card will generate every time you visit the link).

http://osric.com/bingo-card-generator/?title=Tailored+Shirt+Fail+Bingo&words=Seam+rip+%3E3x%2CRecut+piece%2CCut+2+rights+or+2+lefts%2CForget+a+piece%2CSew+piece+backwards%2COff-grain+piece%2CButtonhole+too+small%2C%3E3+muslins%2CUnpressed+seams%2CSerged+or+cut+a+hole%2CBroke+needle%2CRan+out+of+thread%2CUneven+topstitching%2CBattle+wounds%2CNot+enough+fabric%2CWadder%2CDidn%27t+finish%2CWrong+size%2CSSSF+for+tower+plackets%2CPattern+or+print+placement+fail%2CForgot+staystitching%2CInterfacing+fail%2CButton+fail%2CPoor+fabric+choice&freespace=true&freespaceValue=Franzia+and+Cheetos&freespaceRandom=false&width=5&height=5&number=1#results

We’d Like To Thank The Academy

(Announcer’s voice) And the winner of Madalynne’s Oscar for (third) Best New Blog is…

Sew Sorry, Sew Fat!

(wild applause from the audience, camera pans to other bloggers pursing their lips and politely clapping)

Oh! Oh dear! I wasn’t really expecting this, and I don’t have a speech prepared… oh my! Um, let me think here…

First off, on behalf of all of us here at SSSF, I’d like to thank the Academy of Blogging Voters. We are so, SO honored just to be included in the nominations, but to win, especially in a runoff election… wow! That means you liked us (third) best not just once, but twice!!!

You Like Us! You Really Like Us!!

You know, we started SSSF with the sole purpose of creating an enlightened, unique experience among sewing blogs, wherein we shine a light on the pastel, cotton-clad underbelly of the we’re-sew-nice blogosphere, and do so with love. So to be honored tonight, in this way, by all of you – well, it’s just overwhelming.

We need to thank the people who made this possible: The monetized sewing blogs, the bloggers who don’t know jack but manage to get themselves book deals and TV gigs, the pattern “designers” who can’t design their way out of a paper bag, the bloggers who manage to get everyone else to write their posts for them, the authors who don’t know shit about fitting or pressing, and the trolls, especially the trolls, who make sure they skewer us with their bowling ball sharp wit.

We never, ever could have achieved this goal without your support… Oh dear, I’m crying and I’m going to run my mascara (fans self with hands)

Yes, we could not do what we do without you. So please know that we are beyond thrilled to be given such accolades, from those whose opinions we value SO highly.

Thank you to the Academy, and good night!

A Light in the Snark: Vogue Spring 2015 Collection

Co-authored with Andrea

Hamcats, it is with sorrowful hearts and lowered heads that we acknowledge the passing of one of the SBC’s most celebrated institutions: Lladybird’s new Vogue release snark posts. Please join us for a moment of silence as we mourn its untimely sellout demise.

Fortunately, SSSF is equipped to take on the future care and feeding of such an important project–and other pattern company releases. But let’s begin by tackling a truly challenging project: the Vogue Spring 2015 pattern release, which Lladybird deems unsnarkable.

Overall, SSSF highly recommends this pattern release to sewers with a pressing need to be perceived as aesexual in public spaces.

Enhancing the GOMIness of Your Blog

Congratulations to all you SBC bloggers who have attracted GOMI Craft’s notice. You are obviously Speshul Snowflakes. You followed our advice on writing a GOMI-Worthy Blog, and it worked! Perhaps you’re mentioned in a thread about someone else, or you may have several posts devoted to you in the Hate Reads thread. The question now is, how can you expand your notoriety? You need a bigger stage. No – you deserve a bigger stage! It’s kind of like making it through the Big Dance in college hoops: you feel like you are ready for the big time, but how can you break through on the national level?

You are so lucky to have us. Here at SSSF, our goal is to help you not only get mentioned multiple times on GOMI, but to achieve the ultimate SBC championship level recognition: your very own thread! Here are some tips for making sure you sit right at the front page of the GOMI Craft forum where you can have your very own GOMI 100-car pileup.

1 – Flounce On/Flounce Off.
Did some big old blue meanie on GOMI say bad things about you? Did they point out that you aren’t as wonderful, indispensible or infallible as your fawning fangirls have been telling you? Well then, it’s time to channel your inner Miss Piggy, pirouette on your vintage platforms, smooth your Coco, toss your hair over your shoulder and walk away from blogging altogether. Don’t forget to announce it publicly on your blog! After all, it’s not a flounce unless you tell the world about it, and that you have been driven off by those cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitches at GOMI. This will endear you to your fangirls, who will beg you to stay.

After an appropriate length of time (2 days is usually about right) and an appropriate amount of wailing, rending of garments and gnashing of teeth by your fangirls, get back on that (high) horse and tell them that they have been heard, you have relented, and you magnanimously forgive those cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitches at GOMI. That will earn you a halo in the SBC.

The point is, you don’t really want to flounce into the sunset forever. If you do that, posts about you will get buried in the bowels of GOMI, your name will be forgotten and your fangirls will flock to the next blogger in line. SBC bloggers are like Hollywood starlets. For every one that makes it big, there are a hundred right behind her with daggers pointed at her back.

2 – Post? What Post?
If someone on GOMI points out something stupid that you wrote, you can just delete the post. If you delete it, it never happened, right? Take it down. After all, it’s your blog. Taking it down wipes it off the internet. What? It’s archived? Some cellar-dwelling-chip-eating-ageist-homophobic bitch at GOMI got it from the Wayback Machine? Well in that case…

3 – Revise History
Put that post right back up, but rewrite it so you look better. That will take care of getting rid of that archived version. Oh wait – the original version is still out there for anyone to see? Well then…

4 – Set Out the Bait
Put your post back up, but add comments at the end to show GOMI that you are so much cleverer than they are. Use sarcastic tone, condescending language, lots of extra vowels and asterisks. Here’s a good example: ****Big big update for those of you visiting from another site. You were soooooooo right! Now it’s so crystal clear to me that you’re not cyberbullies, and you’re not ageists, and you’re not homophobes. So the only question that remains is…what exactly are you? ****

Oh, that last question is the perfect riposte to GOMI bitches. It will have GOMI readers flocking to your blog to read your other witty repartee. If course, that repartee will only be with your fangirls, who will tell you how clever you are. So you win!

And don’t worry about copying and pasting the example above verbatim into your blog! As we all know, there’s no such thing as copyright or plagiarism in the SBC.

5 – My Big Brother is Going to Beat You Up
When in doubt, bring in the big guns. Threaten to have your sister who is a real-estate law paralegal write a firmly worded cease-and-desist. Yes, that will show GOMI, and it will ensure that you land once again at the top of the first page in GOMI Craft.

6 – Bring on the Cray Cray
If you really want to ensure that you land atop the GOMI pile, go batshit crazy. It’s even better if you go creepy-batshit-crazy. You know – say things like, all is forgiven, that you really like GOMI, and that you will haunt GOMI like a spinster’s ghost in a gothic novel. This will ensure that you get lots of responses from GOMI bitches, and lots of emojis. Make it a contest to see how many dancing bananas you can get!

Any of these things, especially any combination of these things, will earn you a spot in the GOMI Craft hall of fame. It’s easy; it’s fun and it will give you a big leg up on all those other SBC wanna-bes. So get out there and make yourself one of the GOMI champs!

Weekend Update: Call for Pattern Testers!

It’s been a lot of radio silence here at SSSF headquarters over the past few months (blogging is omg such hard work, guys, and we have all these obligations to people in real life and things to do, holidays to observe…oh wait, that’s called Life).

But fear not! What’s been keeping us busy is of course the next logical step in the evolution of our blog: releasing a sewing pattern!

PDF print-at-home pattern, natch.

And, naturally, we need testers for our omg-best-thing-since-sliced-bread pattern! Tester qualifications include:

• a 2-day turnaround
• buttloads of time and materials supplied by you, the tester
• killing a tree (or 3) to print and assemble the PDF pattern

Pattern testers will be compensated with an imperfect but free pattern and blog fame (because of course you’re going to want to be part of the pattern testing blog tour! and the real pattern blog tour!).

Let us know in the comments if you’re interested!*

~~~~~~~~~~

*Sarcasm.

So You Think You Can Host a Sewalong?

So you followed our instructions on How to Write a GOMI-Worthy Sewing Blog. You released your own pattern (the next logical step after starting a blog, duh) and are inundated with n00bz asking you how to take their sewing machine out of the box and start sewing your top/dress/jacket/jeans/socks/etc. Now what? Host a sewalong, obvs! Here’s a list of all the most important steps of hosting a sewalong:

1. Think your pattern is too simple and shouldn’t require a sewalong? Guess again! Your readers are too stupid to make a kimono sleeve top without your help. Pat yourself on the back for embarking on this omgsobrave endeavor.
2. Don’t worry that you barely have a grasp on how to sew anything more complicated than a buttonhole. Fake it ‘til you make it, amirite? Seriously though, after you do something once, you become an expert and are obligated to share it with the world (even if 15,000 other blog posts cover the exact same information).
3. Spend at least 5 weeks posting inspo pics, discussing fabrics, notions…etc. If you don’t talk to your readers about what kind of scissors to buy, who will?! The more time you spend pinning, the better your finished product will be (#logic). It’s Murphy’s First Law of Sewing.
4. Spend at least as much time on every possible alteration known to mankind that may or may not be needed. God forbid you actually show any of these on the actual pattern you will be using; just link to possibly questionable blog tutorials from your besties.
5. A post about cutting out your fabric is totally necessary. No one would ever figure out how to wield a pair of Ginghers to produce a yoke-shaped piece of fabric from a three-yard cut without this instruction. You do God’s work, truly. Also, don’t bother meticulously cutting out your pieces. Your readers are probably too stupid to notice that your corners are wonky.
6. Really, who has time to press their fabric before cutting it out either? Those wrinkles probably won’t throw off the grainline or anything. Pressing is for pussies!
7. Talk a lot about how you should make a muslin, but never evereverever post any pictures or information learned from the experience. Assume that the people following you are competent enough to make a muslin before the sewalong begins (even though they need to sewalong because the garment is hard? So sorry, so unclear), yet still have time to enter the finished garment in the sewalong’s Flickr contest. You did set one of those up right? Shilling for your sponsors is priority number one! Only leave the contest open for one week though, you don’t want to let anyone in who wasn’t participating in real time.
8. Copy and paste the instructions released with your pattern and add more words to make it look like you did some work. Take a picture for each and every step and post it, even though the angle is weird and it’s kind of impossible to tell what you’re trying to illustrate. Bonus points for varying whether you put the pictures before or after the explanation. Variety is the spice of life, after all!
9. At this point, you’re probably exhausted from all this work. Blogging is SO hard, you guys. Mostly all that’s left is top stitching and pressing, and who will even notice those details? Phone it in, and half-ass these details so you can hurry up and get your photo shoot on!
10. Do a roundup post of all your loyal followers’ garments, but be sure to only choose pictures where they look a little derpy. You’re the star of this show, and you wouldn’t want anyone to look better than you!

Now get out there and fight the good fight!

Happy New Year, hams! May 2015 be filled with cheetos and franzia and your warm, dark basements be overflowing with cats.

Do You Want to Test a Pattern?

Sung to the tune of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” from Frozen

Do you want to test a pattern?
Come on, let’s all go sew.
We can do it in a blog tour way
New posts every day
From sewing friends we know!
We’re speshul sewing snowflakes,
We’re not a clique
We’re just having a good time…
Do you want to test a pattern?
Yes you want to test a pattern
Here, test mine.

Do you want to test a pattern?
Yes of course I know you do.
Make it up with cotton florals and
Rick rack on every band.
That’s so great on you!
We’ll talk all about its cuteness,
Not how it fits,
We’re one great big family…
Do you want to test a pattern?
Then you can review this pattern
But nicely.

Do you want to test a pattern?
It’s not a circle jerk.
We’ll get a bunch of blogger fans
Hop on the wagon and
They’ll do all the work!
We do not have to pay them
They’ll do it free
For one lousy PDF.
Do you want to test a pattern?
Yes you want to test a pattern
You dumb f….

How to Write a GOMI-Worthy Sewing Blog

Here at GOMI, we have exacting standards for snarking on the Sewing Blog Community. One of the frequent questions we get is, “GOMI hamcats, how can I write my blog to ensure that it will be noticed by you all and snarked appropriately in its own thread?”

SBC, today is your lucky day! I’ve compiled a list of 10 sure-fire things that will get you noticed and piled on. Read on for your step-by-step guide to GOMI success.

1 – Post Hundreds of Pictures of Yourself in Your Creations

Basic poses to use: Straight on smiling. Back to the camera showing off your ass and cute figure. Standing pigeon-toed with hips thrust to one side, eyes looking up and to the side as if a pretty bird just flew right over head. Standing pigeon-toed, looking down at the back of your shoe as if you just stepped in dog shit. Walking across the roof of a garage overlooking the highway. Take closeups of your collar that show how deep your dimples are or how shiny your nose ring is.

There are many more poses that are GOMI-worthy. Use your imagination. If it looks like a photography student’s portfolio rejects, it’s perfect for your blog!

 2 – Sprinkle Posts With the F-bomb for No Good Reason

Because, like, it’s fucking cool, y’all. It doesn’t make you look or sound fucking ignorant. It’s fucking funny! Fuck.

 3 – Make Everything an Advertisement

If you really want to get noticed, put ads everywhere! They don’t even need to be related to sewing. One column for indie pattern companies – there are new ones started every week. One for online quilting cotton stores. One for all the new yet-another-beginner sewing books that are coming out. What’s that? You say that only leaves a 2-inch wide space for your blog posts? Who cares! Monetization is so much more important than content!

 4 – Tell Everyone How Cool You Are. Constantly

Keep repeating, “I am cool. Everything I do is cool. Everything I sew is cool. Everything I read is cool. Everything I eat is cool. Everything I shit is cool.”  After a few rounds of this mantra, you will achieve a zen-like state of coolness that people will want to emulate. Remind people in your posts and blog header that you are cool. This will inspire them to become fangirls. And any good GOMI blog should…

 5 – Collect Fangirls

Lots of them. The rabid-er, the better. If they are borderline psychotic, that’s the best. Fangirls will defend you to the death. They will follow you like cotton-clad, Myrtle-wearing lemmings off any cliff, and they will volunteer to jump ahead of you so you can have a soft landing. The other great thing about fangirls is that when people say mean things about you, you can pretend to be a victim and stay above the fray while unleashing your fangirls like a pack of flying monkeys to beat back the “internet trolls” and “jealuz haterz”. And the best way to collect fangirls is to…

 6 – Give Shit Away

Fangirls LOVE free shit. Of course, you don’t want to pay for anything, so you need free shit to give away. And the best way to do that is to…

 7 – Get Companies to Sponsor Posts

Dear Sewing Machine Company, Please send me your top of the line machine that costs as much as an entry level Kia. I will hold a giveaway where I will get a bajillion fangirls to fawn all over me for three weeks. I will give your company loads of exposure, which will lead to lots of sales of your machines. Oh, and please send a second one for my personal use, because, duh, exposure and monetization.

You can milk this with sewing machine companies, pattern companies, tourist destinations, fabric stores, makeup companies, gym memberships, and so much more. After all, more giveaways means more eyeballs on your site means more fangirls means more clicks to your advertisers means more money!

8 – Write a Book or Start a Pattern Line

You’ve been sewing and blogging for 6 months? Congratulations! You’re now officially an expert. It’s time to share your wealth of knowledge with the world. Write a book or design patterns. Even better, write a book that comes with the patterns that you design. Make your book stand out on the shelves with pastel colors, cute fonts, and twee outfits. So what if the information is useless and the garments look like shit on you and your models? The fangirls will eat it up. And if you really want to guarantee fangirl adoration, get a few of them to be models. They’ll buy the book, and they’ll get their friends, siblings, and grandmas to buy a copy, too, putting you at the top of Amazon’s bestseller list.

9 – Start a Blog Tour

Get all your fangirls to join in. Get them to review your book or pattern. Have them tag you and all the other fangirls in the blog tour so everyone gets hits. Make sure you have all the coolest bloggers in your fangirl stable. You must have all the same bloggers gushing over your stuff as you gush over other cool bloggers’ stuff. Be sure to get one from Manhattan, one from Brooklyn, one from San Francisco, one from London, and one from Hong Kong. Then to keep it real, you can add a few others from places you would only ever see from 33,000 feet above as you fly to cool places.

10 – Get Other People to Write Posts and Generally Do Your Work For You

This is the ultimate. If you can get people to write posts for you, you are a GOMI God or Goddess. Bonus points if between your full-time blogging gig and tropical sew-cations, you just don’t have enough time to write your own posts. Even better if you make money off your blog, but you can’t pay your writers or pattern testers real money because, well, you have expenses! Fangirls (the rabid-er ones especially) will flock to your side and volunteer to write for you because, you know, this kind of soliciting for contributors is normal in the sewing blogger world. Just make sure that you own the copyright on anything they contribute. Cuz, like, duh, monetization!